Admission from a reluctant erector…

Admission from a reluctant erector...


I hate flatpack.



I always seemed to be the go to person for erecting flatpack furniture. I honestly think sometimes that my father (a carpenter) died purely to get out of it.


From the time at the tender age of 20 I allowed myself to be bribed into putting together a bedroom suite in return for a leather jacket, it has been down to me….”Oh she’s so good,” “I can’t do flatpack. She’s really got the hang of it.”


Everyone can do flatpack and there is no trick. Here are my 10 easy steps. Do not forget to swear. It is vitally important.

  1. Take the stuff out of the box and arrange for use.
  2. Make sure you’ve got all of the stuff that was meant to be in the box*
  3. Swear if things aren’t right and send/take box and contents back to store.
  4. Make sure that all the stuff in the box is OK and unbroken*
  5. Swear if things aren’t right and send/take box and contents back to store.
  6. Look at instructions and ensure that they can be followed*
  7. Swear if things aren’t right and send/take box and contents back to store.
  8. Follow instructions to build thing.*
  9. If for whatever reason you cannot do step 8, swear and send/take box and contents back to store.
  10. Possess thing OR do without OR buy another thing. If new thing flatpack, repeat steps 1-10 until satisfied.


*These steps are the trickier ones and very often omitted. This produces the pared down flatpack work scheme which is as follows:


  1. Take stuff out of the box
  2. Produce thing
  3. If step 2 IMPOSSIBLE, weep/give up/send thing back/get Harriet to do it.



So my family has given up.

Thankfully they have started getting “men” in to do their flatpacking for them – main reason being that I am pretty busy and I like to see them when I visit rather than cussing at a shelving unit in a tiny bedroom while they are having Sunday lunch.


But then, a couple of months ago came THE SHED. – Not, I hasten to add necessarily the one in the photograph….


Just a little job, according to my mother. She had even found an online video that showed the panels floating magically into place BY THEMSELVES!


So. Easy for Harriet.


What can I say? It’s up now. It’s there. It’s relatively attractive and it has things in it. But do not look at its construction (ultra flimsy plastic). There is also the tiny fact that I very nearly broke my thumb while putting it together and mum saw fit to thank me by buying me a power drill (the bribe always reflects the time and effort put in!) I also sweated more than can possibly be healthy, invented new swearwords and even now I hate looking at it.


Here it is. Shudder. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT.


So, yeah, as I said earlier… Everyone can do flatpack. Except me.

(but yes, of course I will. Some Machiavellian genius has bought me a bloody power drill haven’t they?)

Uniqlo vest

Relaxed fit shorts

Velcro strap shoes
£12 –

ZeroUV metal sunglasses
£11 –

£7.65 –

Lemnos black home decor
£115 –

Sup Dog Hoodie
£22 –

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